I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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