I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
