Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
