on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
