I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
as a side note pls kill me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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