Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
