How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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