it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
