i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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