dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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