are you so shy because you have an std?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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