I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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