what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
