I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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