you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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