We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
