you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
