none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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