I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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