im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
