i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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