I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
