Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
honey bunches of taint.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
