just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
