i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
