It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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