I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
