I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
