I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
