Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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