I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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