that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
