guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize