im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
