I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
