my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
