Why are handjobs necessary in class?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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