My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize