Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
