He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my vag is so smooth its legendary
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
