You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
