I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
