ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
