just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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