Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
