Need sex. Gaining weight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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