Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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