you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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