so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
