He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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