Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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