My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
