I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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