Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
