Fuck appropriateness.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
